Friday, December 30, 2005
A New Year's Resolution
This year, however, God has asked me for something. I think, in fact, He has been asking for some time now. I have, I believe at times, given Him what He is asking for, only to take it back in a rush of panic. This revelation came about while I was pondering some of the “kinks” in my life. Suddenly, the thought flashed through my mind: What if I completely trusted God this year? It was such a stunning thought that my breath caught sharply and for a moment I couldn’t do anything. I felt a mixed feeling of relief at the thought of complete abandonment, and also paralyzing fear of losing myself. Isn’t that what the Christian life is about though? Losing one’s self.
This is such a difficult thing because it means giving up my life for Him. My hopes, my dreams, what happens to me, the direction that my life takes: The very essence of my being. What if I let go of all of this and trusted Him? What if I let Him do it? What if I let Him take me wherever He wants? I don’t know what will happen. I would have to trust His heart. I guess the fear comes from not really knowing His heart. (The Bible says that He has good plans for me, not evil plans (Jer.29:11). ) So, part of trusting Him will be to know Him better.
I must confess that all my efforts to get myself where I want to be have failed miserably. I have been disappointed again and again. Giving up and trusting Him can’t be any worse!
I have been pondering these thoughts for the past couple of days. While in the shower this morning (where some of my best revelations have come), I realized something else. God compares us to sheep. Sheep are sort of dumb. They are also followers. When one sheep panics and stats to run, the other sheep will do the same even if they don’t know what is going on. This is what I am doing. Society tells me what I should be doing, and what I should have, and the kind of person that I should be. (Hmmm, I’m not quite all those things). Other people panic for me, or start causing me to panic: Why aren’t you married? Aren’t you even seeing someone? What, you’re still in college? What are you going to do with your life? Hounding me until I want to throw up my hands and scream “I don’t know!”
I was then reminded of Psalms 23 which begins with:
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want .
I listen to the still small voice of my Shepherd. I have to tune out all of the panicked voices (including my own), and stop caring about what everyone else thinks of me and what I am doing, or what I think I am lacking. It also says:
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
When I can’t see and I don’t understand, He is with me. This shadow of death could very well be the death of my flesh which is so painful and scary. Even in that pain and loss (yes I will lose some things that I am holding very close), He is my comfort, my portion. It also says:
You prepare a table before me…
I think that this is God’s blessing even in the midst of the trial as I trust and obey Him. Amazingly, my study Bible had a symbol next to this passage which marked it as a display of God’s love relationship to us. I laughed through my tears! He gently shows me that He is holding my heart. He wants to write the story of my life if I will just give Him the pen.
So, will I trust Him completely this year? I want to. Desperately. I will probably need the accountability of my wonderful friends (you). I love adventure. I guess it doesn’t get more adventurous than this!
Friday, December 23, 2005
The Santa Charade
There is only one thing about Christmas that disturbs me and that is the tradition of convincing one’s child that Santa Clause is real. This makes no sense to me, and is rather appalling. For one thing, a child is lied to by the people whom they are supposed to be able to trust for the truth. The betrayal in a child’s eyes when they find out they have been extravagantly deceived should be enough to end the practice. Not to mention the uncertainty leading up to the final disappointment. What else have mom and dad lied about?
Another very disturbing thing about Santa is his God-like qualities. Here is a man who can see you when you’re sleeping, knows everything about you, and can grant you the desires of your heart if you will just ask him. Doesn’t this sound a lot like God? Instead children are asked to believe in the mythical Santa. Soon they find out mom and dad lied, but are still asked to believe in a God with those same qualities, even going to church every week to pray and sing to him. Could it seem like another elaborate charade to them – maybe even subconsciously? I say it’s a little too close.
Now, this doesn’t mean that the magic of Christmas will disappear if a child doesn’t believe in Santa. I never believed in Santa. My family would refer to Santa as he is: A mythical character started in the memory of St. Nicholas. We enjoyed the magical idea of Santa while also being grounded in the truth of Christ’s birth. So let’s focus on the true meaning and magic of Christmas, Christ our Savior born to die for the sins of mankind. Let’s see more manger scenes!
Here is a little Holiday craziness: Crazy Christmas Display. Watch and be amazed!
Thursday, December 08, 2005
What If I...
Looking out of my window down at the park,
The shadows so shifty stole sleep from my eyes
With their slinking charade of “What if I” lies.
What if I can’t learn to snowboard?
What if I break my leg?
What if I can’t find a job after school?
What if I only can beg?
What if I lose my way in life?
What if I never arrive?
What if I never become a wife?
What if I live like I’m five?
What if I forget my homework?
What if I fail every class?
What if I go completely berserk?
What if I shatter like glass?
All of these “What ifs” tormenting my mind
Make life seem like it will end.
Then I remember, all snug in my bed,
That I have a very good friend.
He promised He’d be here, He won’t ever leave.
He loves me, He made me, He knows what I need.
I smile and breathe and close my eyes
As the trifling “What ifs” say their goodbyes.
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Warning: Blonde On a Snowboard
First, we walked up just halfway to try from there. It took me several minutes just to get my feet securely attached to my board. I then somehow managed to get to the bottom of this hill without too much mishap. Unfortunately, I couldn't get my feet out of my board and it took some wrestling to finally wrench them free. We tried from halfway again and then decided we were ready for the top. Now, the hardest thing about this hill is the rope you have to grab to be pulled to the top. I carefully approached this rope with James' warning ringing in my ears. I let it run through my mittens for a moment and then grabbed onto it. In a split second I was jerked from my feet and lying on my back to the delight of the crowd gathered around me. After two more failed attempts I decided that the rope was for sissys and I wanted to earn my ride and walk to the top!
I went from the top maybe twice. At one point I was balancing really good! Then I began rapidly picking up speed! I lost control, threw my arm out to catch myself, felt my elbow pop, flipped over a couple of times, smacked my head nice and hard, and then just laid there. It wasn't until my cousins voice reached an alarmed pitch that I stuck my arm up and waved to signal that I was ok. This was my signal that it was time for a break. We had been snowboarding for a little over an hour.
After a 20 min. break we move on to a larger hill which required a lift to reach the top. I was nervous about getting on this lift, but I really had nothing to fear. It was much easier than that ridiculous rope. I started down the top of the hill with fair confidence. The first drop was a little steep so I picked up a lot of speed rather quickly. I wiped out a short way down, but got myself back into an upright position and continued downhill. I fell maybe four or five times down this hill. I rode this hill five times. Once I felt I had a good ride. Twice I almost cried out of frusteration and maybe a little pain. Right before my last ride I knew that I needed to be done for the day. That fifth time was probably the worst. I was extremely tired and could barely get myself back into an upright position after falling. While I was on my knees begging the hill for mercy, my cousin passed over me in the lift yelling that she was going to go again and that I shouldn't give up. This inspired another girl on the lift ( whom we had sort of made friends with) to also shout down encouragement to me, which inspired another guy on the lift to also shout out his encouragement. With all that support I forced myself upright and made it down the rest of the hill. We were on this hill for probably about two or three hours.
On the way home we missed our exit and drove an hour out of our way. I had not eaten all day and was very hungry. When I got home I had some soup. Unfortunately all the physical exhertion and waiting so long to eat caused me to get sick. I felt awful. This morning I was incredibly sore. Every inch of my body hurt. I had to pick my head up with my hand to look at my alarm clock! I managed to drag myself out of bed to go lead worship with as much energy I could muster.
I hear we are to get more snow through this week. I'm sure I'll be recovered enough to hit some more hills by then! Bring it on!!!
More Pictures!! I added some more pictures to my picture blog. Click the My Pictures link at the top of my links list to the left.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
My Pictures!!!
I have compiled some of my favorite photos into a separate blog for the viewing enjoyment of all my readers, vast as they are. I have created a link entitled My Pictures in my links list. You can't miss it. Its right on top and in bold letters! I will be adding more pictures very soon.
Please visit and enjoy some of my high-lighted memories and people!
Molly!
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Here I am at one of my favorite spots on earth! This picture was taken this summer at Pioneer park, my fourth annual camping adventure. The calming waters of Lake Michigan are gently lapping the shore behind me. This picture is courtesy of my new Epson printer/scanner/copier. Thank you Epson. Keep watching for more exciting pictures.
For all you Home Spa lovers, I created a link that gives spa recipees and also an exhaustive list of essential oils. Enjoy. Relax.
Monday, November 14, 2005
Prince Charming
As little girls we are fed romantic fairy tales like Cinderella and Snow White. These stories ingrain into us at such an early age that all we must do is wait like a damsel in distress for our perfect, handsome, rich, and absolutely romantic "Prince" to rescue us from all of life's problems. The problem with this is that none of these stories go beyond the "sweeping off" of the feet. They discreetly neglect the reality: That behind the Prince's smile is a man. A real man with flaws and failures who will sometimes not be very caring and sensitive, who will not always be romantic like she wants, who will sometimes be blinded by his pride and selfishness. If the truth be told, these fairy tales that we have grown to love have been twisted by Hollywood and served on a silver plater. In the real Little Mermaid she doesn't get the prince and when she dives back into the water she melts into foamy froth! That's probably more realistic.
The other problem with these stories is that love is a feeling, an event. There are no questions asked, characters tested, or important relationship growth. It is simple and mindless. We are brought up to think that relationships should be like this, which leaves us in a very scary place. We place all the importance on the swept up feeling and The Wedding Day, and very little on life questions. What will "Prince Charming" be like on a bad day, or when you tick him off? Ah, but these questions are irrelevant right?! Life, real life, will continue after that Day.
The truth is that relationships are hard work. We will have to work to get to know him. He won't always notice us from way (way) across the room and push through the crowd to meet us.
We will have to be a real person with real thoughts rather than a pretty (brainless) face. When the Honeymoon is over we will have to be confident that we have prepared ourselves for a life together the best that we know how. We will need to actually KNOW who we married (and it probably won't be Prince Charming)!
For all the women waiting for Prince Charming...GIVE UP. He isn't coming. Look for a real man, and work at a real relationship. It's time to wake up out of the daydream, and live in reality. It really will be sooo much better. I would take a real man with real flaws over a fantasy man who is perfect any day!
One more thing. Standing around won't get us anywhere. We need to work on ourselves. Be the right one, don't just look for the right one. Sometimes we are the problem not him.
Monday, November 07, 2005
From my Heart
In my dream I was sitting on a beach. It was a small fishing beach with fishing boats and nets all around. Each boat was chained and padlocked to the shore. I was sitting on the beach with my head on my knees and I was praying. My mom came up to me in the dream and said, "When I want something unlocked, I ask your Dad to unlock it for me because he wants to do it for me."
I shared this with my friend, and as soon as I did I felt such a peace and presence of God. I really felt like he was reminding me of this. There are things that I want in my life and I want so much to make them happen, or control things, or fix things in order to make them happen that I absolutely frusterate and exhaust myself at times. God is wanting me to allow him to unlock those desires for me. He wants to do it for me. One of my favorite scripture verses (that I seem to forget all the time) says,
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will gaurd your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
(Philipians 4:6&7)
I will trust that He has good things for me. He can and He will do what He said He will do.
Saturday, November 05, 2005
Double Speak
Note: These sample phrases are taken from the amusingfacts.com website and are for entertainment purpose only. I will add this link to my links list for the wild and ceaseless entertainment of the bored and restless.
"It has long been known..." : I didn't look up the original reference.
"In my experience...": Once.
"In case after case...": Twice.
"In a series of cases...": Thrice.
"It is believed that...": I think.
"It is generally believed that...": A couple of others think so too.
"According to statistical analysis...": Rumor has it.
"A statistically-oriented projection of the significance of these findings...": A wild guess.
"Correct within an order of magnitude...": Wrong
"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field..." I quit.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Lanthorn Interview
Grand Valley Lanthorn - www.lanthorn.com
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Mr.Goodbar and Salads
I have only ever eaten the mini-sized ones in the variety packs. I usually search through the entire bag and find all the Mr. Goodbars and pick them out. I savor each little bite (and they are very little) and wish there were more.
Today, I had a salad for lunch. Yes, you read that right: a salad. I was such a good girl! I didn't stop at Burger King on my way back to GV from tutoring, and I didn't have the pizza that was offered at a stand next to the salads. I chose a salad!
Afterwards though, I had a terrible chocolate attack! That's when I went hunting and found the King Sized Mr. Goodbar.
I think that since I was so healthy with my salad, it probably cancelled out the King Size in the chocolate.
On the other hand maybe it is because I ate such a healthy salad that I had the chocolate attack?!
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Hail Rebekah the goddess of Massage!
This post is entirely devoted to my cousin Rebekah who not only gave me a fabulous back-altering massage, but also spoke words of hope and encouragement to me (yes, I'm the queen!).
I don't know what I would do without you Rebekah! I am so blessed by God to have such a wonderful friend and cousin. Our bond goes beyond friendship. We are bound by blood. I am amazed at how we do the same things without even knowing the other has done them. Months later we are awed at the syncromism of our lives. I imageine this must be a taste of what twin siblings experience.
We are a support to each other in our darkest moments. I'll never forget your tear filled call when life crumbled around you and I rushed to your side. Now when I am surrounded by fear and insecurity as I face my own obstacle, you have been there for me. Your words yesterday have encouraged me more than you will know.
Whether we make it in life, or fail. We will always be.
Saturday, October 29, 2005
Ouch! My Back!
My back pack is so heavy, and I realized that I hunch my shoulders up to hold the weight. I think this might be part of the problem. There's not a whole lot I can do about it though.
I added some links to some of my friends sites. They are very COOL, so be sure to check them out!
To Carve a Virtual Pumpkin click HERE
Friday, October 28, 2005
Tutoring 101
Michael is another story. He's not as interested and doesn't try very hard. I let him choose which of the two books he wanted to read today, so he was a little more excited and he wanted to write about the Wayside stories. I gave them both a little present today: pencils, stickers, and gummy lizards. They both liked them.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
I'm Stuck!
STRESS! I was so stressed out last night I wanted to smash my head into the wall just so I couldn't feel it any more. I was tessalating a shape for my math class. My shape wouldn't tessalate. I tried Four other shapes. Finally one worked. Tutoring was stressful yesterday. Katie stressed out because she didn't have a math sheet she was supposed to do. That stressed me out (although, I am proud to say, I didn't show it). I was up late last night writing a paper.
Thankfully sleep took me rather quickly after I finished.
Screeching, scraping metal! That would be the sound effect to go along with the grating, grinding, grity gravel.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
La-Dee-Da
I have a lot of homework today. Two math papers, and a movie review. I need to email my diversity prof. my late observation paper! I got my muffler fixed for free the other day though. Now I just need to go to the dentist and the doctor and those nagging voices of unfinished obligations can stop. For a (short) time that is.
Just walkin' along, enjoying life.
Monday, October 24, 2005
Hurricane, Hurricane!
Click HERE to create your own Hurricane!
Fall Is Here!!!
I failed my math test! I got a 59.9%. I don't feel too bad because the girl next to me got a 60.8%, and the girl across from me wouldn't even tell me what she got. It is also only 13% of our grade, so hopefully I will make up the points elsewhere. I have a C in the class right now.
I will be tutoring every day this week! I observed for the last time today. I have to get 12 more hours in befor the end of the semester. I'm a little bummed though because I will be driving 60 miles for an hour worth of work on T and R:(
Today on the way to Grand Valley I decided to pray in my car. I have been really frusterated and angry the past few days about a number of things. I just started out thanking God and declaring His truth even though I totally did not feel it, or see it. As I was doing this, I hit every red light light and had one car roar around me even though I was doing the speed limit. I had every opportunity to slip back into anger, frusteration, and complaining. After about 10 minutes of praying and worshipping, I began to feel the presence of the Lord ministering to me. When I finished, I just drove along in my car without any music or any real thinking. I felt just a restful peace. The entire atmosphere around me had changed! It had been a sacrafice, but the spiritual realm was affected.
Okay, I think I have now used all the colors of fall.
Happy October!
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Strange Signs
Sunday, October 16, 2005
What Hairstyle are You?
Dirty (Messy) Bun
You're the type of person that is kind and
innocent, but you're also very funny and
outgoing. No one can always predict what you're
going to do or say, which is why so many people
like you! You like keeping yourself busy, you
just hate doing nothing! You always make sure
to have a smile on your face--it's your
trademark after all!
What hairstyle suits your personality? (For girls! And with pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla
Friday, October 14, 2005
LOST.COM News Flash
LOST.COM News Flash
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
It's a Grand Valley Day
Math was ok today (felt kind of orange). Monday was terrible. I had to apoligize to my math partner today for my behavior on Monday. Last week I cried in my math prof's office (Well, it wasn't exactly about math, but maybe aggravated by math. Yes, that's it.). I have a math test next Monday. Friday Math is cancelled. Math is a series of ups and downs. I don't know whether to cry or cheer.
My right thumb has been twitching strangely today.
My last presentation will be given at 3pm today. This is midterm week ya' know. Then I'll be done.
I forgot about an observation that's due today. I'll have to turn it in late. I tried to make a last ditch effort to do it, but schools are doing MEAPs right now and can't have observers. It's my own fault I missed it.
One more thing. I decided to be friendly again today. I try to do that every once in awhile. I said "hi" to three random people on the way to class. I got a return smile, but no return "hi"! What if I just wanted someone to say "hi" to me? Then I was bitterly disappointed.
Thankfully, I feel orange today and I was amused by it rather than bothered.
Sunday, October 09, 2005
The Saga Continues
I could have led them farther today. When we finished the last song, I sensed they could have gone farther, even wanted to go farther. This week they were not waiting for a let-down. I could have led them farther.
Barak will be back a week from this Wednesday. He called from the Bahamas wondering how things were going. He was concerned about me he said. I told him there was no reason to be concerned and to enjoy his vacation.
Next week, Sunday morning, Rick has offered to lead worship with the youth band to give us a break.
Projects for classes are starting to pile up and come due. With it the stress is mounting. Ah, the wonderful world of college!
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
The Reality of Worship
Sunday went great! I wasn't nervous at all. This was the first time that I felt completely comfortable with leading the whole "show" (it's not really a show, but you get the idea). It was amazing. It was God. Most importantly, the presence of the Lord came. It was so wonderful!
I am realizing that one part of leading worship is teaching people how to worship. Toward the end of worship time Sunday morning. I was leading people in what I call "high praise" where the music is still playing, but you are singing a new song to God. Where everyone is just crying out and singing to God in their own way and with their own song. I love this place in worship because it is the most intimate with God. The people were doing great. I could hear them worshipping. However, I could feel them waiting for the letdown, worshipping with one eye open, not completely lost in worship, lost in his presence. It is because we are not used to that kind of worship. It is "inner court" worship. When Pastor came up, they immediately (out of habit) began to shift gears to the next thing, but pastor encouraged them to not stop and they continued.
Yesterday, Monday, I had an awful day. For no particular reason. I was tired and frusterated. At one point I could taste it. Have you ever hit your funny bone and then got a funny taste at the back of your throat? That's what it was like. It was either 'cause I had a really big weekend, or the enemy was really mad. Even when I woke up this morning I felt a strange sense that I should be worried about something, or I've done something wrong. But there is nothing. I shouldn't be surprised. After the Lord uses me to do something, I often experience a fight against my spirit. I guess that means I did something right! It makes satan really mad.
I have to keep my spirit filled up with God's presence. Yesterday I just kept declaring, "The joy of the Lord is my strength". The same is for today.
Saturday, October 01, 2005
The Cost of Worship
I made the effort to call him and ask to pick out songs with him so he could feel comfortable (and for my peace of mind). I drove from Grand Valley to home in a torrential rain storm. I had not eaten and was starving. I got there early, picked out all the songs, then went looking for him. I found him, asked if he was done with the youth band, and told him I'd meet him in the office. He nodded. He never came. I had to be to my brother's house by 9 to watch LOST. I made sure Christian had really left, and then left myself feeling really frusterated and angry. LOST helped take my mind off things for awhile (I love that show).
The next day I spent some time with God. I was struggling with some personal things and then angry with Christian on top of it all. I decided to give it all to God. I can't control Christian or anyone else. I will do a good job but, not because I have Christian, or a great band. Things will go well because I am going to worship God and his presence will show up.
You know, I really love leading worship. It is so much fun. Sure, there are times when it's really hard, and I am just sweating bullets under the heat of the spotlights, but nothing can compare with the anointing I experience, or the Spirit of God as He comes. I have experienced some of the most fulfilling moments leading worship. My entire being is alive and I feel I am doing what I was created to do. Sometimes I worship so hard I think I might explode.
Leading worship is extremely exhausting. Most of the time when I finish I feel competely physically and emotionally drained. I invest so much of myself when I do it. You can imagine then how I might feel when people don't really enter into worship with me. When people do worship it draws out the anointing in me and causes me to worship and sing better than ever. I think that's why I love doing special events like conferences. There is a fresh crowd excited by the "newness" of the worship exerience with us. It's the old crowd that are so used to us that they sometimes forget the reason for and cost of our worship.
Worship, just worship.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
The Weight of Worship
Christian: I need to pick out songs with Christian. Musically the weight is on him. He needs to be confident and I need to be confident that he can carry the weight of the song (musically). If he wants to work with Jamie on the songs so Jamie can play the bass that's fine. However, I either need a bass player that can do it well, or not have a bass at all. I will miss not having a bass. I can really tell when it's missing, but because we have a full band it should cover it up. I just hope it doesn't throw me off too much! And Christian has promised to be there every week! Do I dare believe it?
Jeff: I must remember that Jeff is in charge of all the little details and band stuff. That will free me up to do what I do: Lead worship. I'm not a musician. I can lead the band only to a certain point. This actually really frusterates me. It is probably the most frusterating part of leading for me. I feel completely helpless at times. Hey, that's what Jeff's for. Remember?
Sound Checks: I need to work with my sound guy and have him nod to me when he is hearing what he needs to hear and is happy with what he's got.
A.M. : I'll do one song for pre-worship, let everyone say hi and do the same song, then do another three. Someone should do a special for the offering.
P.M. : It will be totally different from the A.M. . Just an acoustic set with Christian, percussion, and trombones.The Anointing: Honestly, I am nothing without God's anointing. All that I have is nothing unless God anoints it. I need His anointing. I pray that he will give me a fresh anointing and cause me to lead His people into His prescence. When it is all said and done that is the only thing that matters.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Katya
Summer (12 yrs): When I was 12 my family went to two summer church camps. At the first camp I saw a mexican girl who to this day I swear was glowing. I was praying for a friend at the camp, and I saw her in the bathroom. It must have been God because to me she was glowing and had a really sweet smell. (I know it sounds strange, but I think that God was just illuminating her to me. ) I told my mom, "That girl is going to be my friend". The next time I saw her, I followed her and introduced myself. She was from Mexico and was in foster care along with her brothers and sisters. That same summer, at the other camp, another family moved in behind us and I made friends with the girl there. She was also in foster care with her two brothers.
Nannying (the last 5 years): I was asked to nanny for a family going on a cruise. Their little two year old had just been adopted from Haiti. I was around for the adoption of the biological brother and another girl. I worked at a school wehere many children had been adopted from other counties like China and Russia.
Travel: I have been blessed to travel quite a bit to other counties including India, Mexico, and The Bahamas. In these countries I have gotten to visit orphanages, or work with children.
Katya: I said all that to show you the significance of this event. It is very simple, and yet it reminds me of how God is truly directing my life. I think He has done this on purpose just to remind me:).
In my writing class we have been paired as pen pals with some 5th graders from an elementary class in the state. My prof. paired us up. The students made little books out of construction paper and lined paper, decorated them, and wrote the first letter. I received my book and took note of the name on the front: Katya. I thought the name sounded very different. She started her letter to me with, "Dear Mystery person,". She went on to tell me that she came here with her family from Russia! I laughed incredulously to myself. Yes, I would get the little girl from Russia. God would make sure I got the little girl from Russia.
Isn't that amazing?!
Saturday, September 17, 2005
Bad Words
Stupid: This is one of the worst words you can say. It is a five year old's swear word. I will often hear, "Awww, Miss Stephenie, you said a bad word!" Mary often feels the need to tell me when someone else says this word, "He said, STU...(big eyes, head nodding)...P...ID." She caught this word being sung in a song one day and was appalled. You can imagine the shock when reading a children's book with that word in it.
Hate: This is another very bad word. You should not say this...ever. I use this word when I am very upset about something (like math, or road construction). I have caught myself on the verge of using this word vehemently many times around Mary. I'll never forget the shock on her face when I declared one day that I hated something and she said, "Miss Stephenie, you shouldn't say that word." She's right. I try to be less hateful about things. Five year old's don't understand generalizations.
Shut up: This is a terrible thing to say to someone. Just the other day one of Mary's friends told this to someone at school. She came home and of course had to tell me about it, "He said, SH...Uh...T Uh...P" It's amazing how sounding it out isn't as bad as actually saying it.
It is so hard to explain to a five year old conscience why we use these "bad" words.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
It's so easy to want to be selfish when you're with kids. Mary got off the bus at around 3:30 yesterday. She's in first grade so she's staying a long day. I started her on her homework and then was going to check my email. Just as I was getting on line Katie says, "I'm going to call Carolyn." So, I got off line. I got back on when Katie was finished and had to wait because the computer is slow. By the time things were coming up, Katie had to call Carolyn again. So I again got off line and finished helping Mary on her homework hoping I could check it a little later.
Mary was now done with her homework and begged me to go downstairs and watch cartoons with her. I was extremely annoyed at this request, but I said, "Sure" in a very dead tone. We were watching "Fairy Oddparents" when she looked at me cuddled under the blanket, got a big giddy smile on her face, and snuggled up next to me. She looked at me with eyes filled with such love, trust, and admiration. I felt ashamed of myself for being so annoyed at her simple request to spend time with her. Its easy to want to be selfish.
Kids definitely force the selfishness right out of you. I never did get to check my email.
Friday, September 09, 2005
The lady was very compassionate and told us to drive around the signs ("maybe up on that person's grass"). Well, the guy just grabbed ahold of one of the signs and dragged it to the side so we could get by. When I got to the house the girls were not there yet. They were with Mary's godmother. Awhile later I got a call from her saying she was being turned away at the bridge and had to come back the way I did. I gave her directions and told her to try to do what I did. Well, about 10 or 15 minutes later she called and said they weren't letting anyone through and that she had broken her muffler trying to get through another way. I hopped on Maria's bike and rode down the street to the tennis courts to meet them. There is a narrow paved path (just wide enough for one car) that connects our neighborhood to the other one. Cars were using this to get into our neighborhood since the Ruddiman access to it was blocked. There are two places where a cement cylinder sticks up out of the ground. A pipe usually goes in there and then chains are linked across to only allow bikes through. Mary's godmother had tried to go up but the pipe underneath her car caught on it and broke. Tons of others cars were doing this without any problem.
I called Ken at the office to let him know what happened and if I should still take Mary to dance. He parked his car just outside the tennis courts and walked home. I took Mary to dance and parked there on the way home (I didn't want to take a chance.), and we walked back to the house pretending we lived in another country where we just walked everywhere because we didn't have a car (There's my experiences in India coming in handy!).
I don't have much homework this weekend. I'm so glad. Just reading and a little more researching for my math project. I've started reading Sherlock Holmes again. I just love it so much! It makes me incredibly happy. I think it's because it reminds me of my childhood. My family used to listen to Sherlock Holmes dramatizations frome the 30's and 40's and they were my favorite. If you've never read or listened to Sherlock Holmes you should!
Saturday, September 03, 2005
We were almost to the end of the trail and I was sort of thinking in my mind how much farther we had to go (it was almost like being blind even with our cell phones). I thought it was shorter, that we should be there already, and I suddenly lost my bearings. I wondered if we had followed a path that branched to the left (even though I logically knew it couldn't be). I felt the most fear in that moment that I've felt in a long time. It was thrilling! You really don't have to go to far to find adventure!
Leslie and I both agreed this experience brought back memories of ESOAL, a retreat we both did in Texas that was a lot like the navy SEALS. We spent some time wandering through the back 40 in the pitch black. ESOAL was one experience in my life where I could actually taste the fear.
My first week of school went really well. I think I'm going to have a good semester. There won't be too much homework besides projects, fieldwork, and reading. I may be driving out to Allendale five days a week with fieldwork. I was really bummed about that. Gas is expensive!
I saw my girls again this Thursday! Mary could hardly let go of me. They both missed me about as much as I missed them!
Thursday, September 01, 2005
"The Cross has spoken Mercy over me." (from "beautiful one" -By The Tree)
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
My heart is sad today because I have seen a friend broken by this struggle against sin. Fallen to the demons that haunt him. I see reflected my own weaknesses and failures and I think to myself, "Is my sin any less devastating than his just because it is not as seen, and felt, and heard?" I think that is what is so hurtful to me. To know that I am no less guilty. To know that my hands are no cleaner. I stand no taller than anyone else. I guess I have no real answers. All I know is that I must cling to the grace of God. There are no answers...but there must be.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Monday, August 29, 2005
My modem on my laptop is broke so I need to get it fixed and is one of the reasons I haven't blogged in awhile. I am at Grand Valley right now. I have a 9:30-10:50 math class and then nothing till 3 pm. My math class went really well and I am so relieved! I got to talk with my prof. and she is very nice. Thank you Jesus! I have a long day today. Mondays are my heavy days, ending at almost 10 pm. I had a neat experience just after class. I prayed yesterday and asked God to help me to be more compassionate and give me opportunities to be so. As I was walking down the hall, I noticed a blind girl with her stick frantically feeling the wall and toward the door. I stopped and asked her if I could help. She turned to me with a cell phone to her ear and a panicked look on her face and desperately asked what room she was standing at. I told her and then asked what room she was looking for. She hung up her phone and I told her I would take her there. I watched her panic melt away! I talked with her and let her know the classes were on the left and the offices were on the right. I was so thatnkful to God afterwards because I realized that was an answer to my prayer.
My brother's wedding was wonderful. I sang my song and it went very well. Something happens to me when I sing in front of people. I get a confidence and an anointing that blows my mind. Practice can go terribly but, when it comes time to do it the anointing comes. I caught the boquet! I have never cought it in my life, but at my brother's wedding. I was nearly hysterical with pride and joy. So, I'm next then? I need a bit of lunch. I love you all.
Monday, August 08, 2005
I have made a covenant to praise God in all things so: Thank you God for this new girl who refused to sell me half a wrap. I thank you that you have brought her across my path. May you bring out of this situation what you want.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
I realized that His desire is that I live for him. The act of living is worship and honor to Him. Just Living for Him. I wept. I had been struggling with hoplessness and despairing of my life, but He asks that I live FOR Him. I can also see how living, the simple act that I am alive right now, is a disgrace to the devil and he would deceive me into giving up my life.
I got the vacuum and worshipped as I cleaned. Now for the amazing part. The next day my mom and I went to the store to get some blinds for my bedroom window. (One had broken down and I had just a sheet hanging over the window). They were having a huge sale. I got some wooden blinds (which I've always wanted) and some leopard print curtains with a center drape that has a little golden elephant on it. We would have spent $400, but because of the sale we got it for much, much less. I also got one of those cool nets that hang from the ceiling over the bed! My obedience in worshipping the Lord as I did allowed me to be blessed. Not only that, I felt a hope in my heart that I have not felt in nearly 8 months.
My God is a good God and if you don't know Him then you are missing out terribly. He is so REAL. Obedience to Him does not result in death, but in blessing. There is no other way to interpret what I have experienced here.
Monday, August 01, 2005
"Why? Do you have candles burning?" I asked. (Both her and I are into that). She didn't answer me, but got up and headed for the stairs. Aunt Cath had already decsended and was on her way back up screaming, "Fire! Rebekah, your room is on fire!" Pandemonium broke out. People started running, dumping chips out of bowls to fill with water, grabing the fire extinguisher, running up and down the stairs, and screaming and yelling. I was one of the first to the basement, hot on my cousin's heels. I entered her room and gaped as I looked in the top of her dresser. It was engulfed in flames! Rebekah pointed the extinguisher at the fire. One small pull was enough to put it out. Immediately smoke billowed up and rolled in waves across her ceiling. I stood amazed at this for a moment and then realized we would need ventilation. I ran to the window and began pushing on it. The others were racing to remove the smoldering embers of what had once been Rebekah's candle display. It took a few minutes for the window to slide. Once I had finished that, I raced upstairs for the video camera. I got the tail end of the excitement forever recorded. The smoke was terrible. It was worse than the fire. It burned my throat and forced me to cough. It was intoxicating.
That was probably the most exciting shower I've ever been to! We all agreed. Thank God for smoke alarms. If it hadn't gone off the whole basement would have been on fire before any of us had realized it!
Friday, July 22, 2005
Today was a crazy day! I cooked a pizza for Mary and I. After about 8 minutes in the Oven, I heard a snapping, exploding noise coming from the inside the oven. I turned and could see a white flashing light through the little window on the oven door. I opened the door and, to my horror, saw sparks and white hot fire near the back of the oven. My panicked mind envisioned the house burning down. I turned the oven off and stood shaking as I watched the fire die out. Thankfully, Mary had been upstairs this whole time getting dressed. I put a note on the oven saying "Do not use!", and heated the pizza in the microwave to warm it up a little more. I stayed late because Ken's case went over in court. He dragged himself in the door and then I broke the bad news about the oven. I left and a couple blocks down my car died! The battery light and brake light had come on a couple of days before, so I wasn't completely surprised. I walked back to the house and again broke the bad news. I called a tow truck and rode Maria's bike down to my car to wait. I had only a little cash on me, so I borrowed the $60 from Ken. Talk about a bad day! It was kind of an adventure though!
Wednesday, July 20
While sitting near the pool while the girls swam, the shop called and told me my car was ready. I was able to take the spare car Ken and Maria keep for such emergencies, so I drove that for a day. It amazes me how much the girls love my little car, my "baby doll". I think they have memories of our summers together in it and that makes it special to them. As we were heading to the yacht club, about to get into the spare, Katie sighed and said, "Oh, this is too hard! I want your car back." Then when we got into the car she said, "Ugh, the smell of this car makes me sick!". I just chuckled to myself. When Ken came home I called the shop and told them we would be by to pick up my car. We all piled into the car and raced there before they closed. My little car was ready. It was the alternator and cost about $196. I was amazed at how perfectly everything worked out with my car. It didn't break down on the way to or from the yacht club when I had Mary. It broke down when I was within walking distance of the house and Ken drove home in the spare because his car was in the shop which enabled me to have a vehicle.
That night there was no practice, but Barak wanted me to help him lead worship for the youth. There were hardly any kids there (most were at camp), but it was fun. I really do love singing and leading worship. Even the hard and stressful times are good. I still feel satisfied even if I've just sweat bullets. It must be the grace of God.
Thursday, July 21
... is just a blip in my memory.
Friday, July 22
I was very lazy this morning. I went for a two mile hike at the state park and communed with nature. Unfortunately, nature was a little violent today! Once I made it to the beach and sat down to rest and enjoy the view, I slowly became aware that there was an unusual amount of bees. Yellow Jackets and Bumble Bees. I quickly got up and "high-tailed" it out of there. In my haste I ran through a spider's web, the center part (I felt it's thickness and heard it rip). It was disgusting! My heart was pounding and my blood pumping. It was wonderful! As terrorizing as it was I would much rather experience that than be bored.
Monday, July 18, 2005
It was very peaceful at the Yacht Club this morning. There was a misty fog that shrouded the trees on the other side of the lake and mingled with the light gray clouding in the sky. The tall masts of sailboats anchored in the water swayed in a breeze that tempted them to abandon their posts and set sail. The building itself is just over one hundred years old. The inside is made with wood that still has the hint and scent of the forest that they came from. A white balcony overlooks the docks and pool. The experience left me inspired. It is good to stop and breathe in one's surroundings now and again! Find a moment to do that for yourself today.
Two Sundays have past since I started to lead worship on Sunday nights. It has gone very well, although Christian has abandoned me twice now. Mrs. Hall, my old teacher and friend, has been playing the keyboard for me. She really is wonderful. She only knows older songs though, so we've been pulling out the oldies. I don't mind too much, but it is a little uncomfortable.
Did I mention my hair is GREEN!
Monday, June 27, 2005
Saturday was Cherea's wedding. It was simple, but very nice. Everything flowed smoothly and quickly which I was very happy about. It was extremely hot though! The reception hall had no A/C, my car has no A/C, and our dresses were hot and tight (making it difficult to breathe). By the time I got to the reception I felt like I was going to pass out. I downed as many cold glasses of punch as I could. Cherea was a beautiful bride and I am so happy for her. It will probably be a long time until I see her again since she has left for her new home in S. Dakota.
Angie's Shower
Planning is going well for my soon-to-be sister-in-law's bridal shower. I love planning party's with my cousin! We sent the invites out. We are doing a calender party, where each guest gets a month and brings a gift that she could use in that month. We tried to be clear in the wording, but I've already heard some confusion from people. A couple of people thought that they are to bring a gift to Ang in that month of the year. I quickly set them straight and prayed the others will get it. I'm really hoping people will be creative and make it fun.
Worship
Starting next Sunday night I will be the sole worship leader for the evening service. Barak is going to head up the evangelism team which will meet on Sunday nights. I'm excited for him because I know evangelism is really his heart. I think it will be so refreshing for him to do something different. He will be meeting with Christian, Jaime, and Anthony to work on music since they are a little unfamiliar with some of the songs.
I am so glad I have Christian! He saved my life last October when Barak was in the Bahamas for three weeks. He is a good guitar player, young enough to learn and grow, but he has his own band and does shows, so he is also experienced enough to lead the band. Jamie plays the bass and he can step in if Lori is gone or helping Barak. Anthony has only played with us a few times. He plays the electric guitar which we like in many of our songs. Both Jamie and Anthony have played (or still play) in the youth band.
I will propbably meet with them too. I want them to feel comfortable working with me as well as me working with them. I want to get to know them a little better and let them get to know me. I want them to be comfortable with my leadership. I think that would be so much easier if we are working together before hand. I'm really hoping this will be a smooth transition. I also want Barak to feel like I am taking on the responsibility of Sunday nights. I want to take the weight off his shoulders so he can focus on evangelism. He will have to invest a little time in us to get us off the ground, but he has proved to me that he is amazing at that (I am proof of that!).
Sunday, June 19, 2005
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Leslie and I were able to have a relly good talk last night. I was always closer to her older sister Penni, but Leslie and I have shared some of the same experiences which give us a kind of common ground. Besides, she is now part of my TM family having graduated from the Honor Academy. It was so good to be able to talk to Leslie because we could laugh about the same things, complain about the same things, and encourage each other. I really hope I can be there for her so she can have a better experience coming home than I did. It is complete culture shock and extremely difficult to deal with even though the leadership prepares you for it. It is sort of like a death inside. It is interesting because Leslie is explaining to me how she is feeling leaving all her friends she's become so close to, coming back to a dead, dry place in comparison with the Teen Mania world ( sort of like a still pond in comparison with a rushing river), and I can remember exactly what that felt like. I don't feel it anymore because I've moved on and made new friends and grown new roots, but I remember it clearly all the same.
She talked about how difficult it is to watch Cherea get married and sing in her wedding when she has no one and is coming back to a place where there is no one. I said "welcome home". I feel a bit the same aobut my little brother getting married. He is getting to experience all the things that I hope for and as the oldest thought I should experience first: His own house, marriage, a cute puppy! Instead I am still at home, trying to finish college. I know what I'm doing is wise because it is setting myself up for success, but somedays it feels like "success" will never come. That I am doing it all in vain. I admitted to Leslie that I have practically given up even hoping for these wonderful things because all I have ever known is disappointment.
Then I mentioned that maybe it isn't really worth hoping and waiting for. Maybe we're making it into such a big thing and its not really worth it. Maybe it would be better to have adventure, to travel to other countries, to preach the gospel and die in a blaze of glory. Then, I felt the still, small voice of the Lord reminding me that to obey Him is better than sacrificing my life for Him. It is better for me to still myself before Him, to submit to His ways than try to make something exciting happen in my life. To brush aside all the lies of the enemy, I must speak the truth that God's ways are higher than mine and He does care for me. I HAVE to trust Him because He's the only one of us that can see. I have to blindly trust him in this season of my life. If that isn't adventure, I don't know what is! He has never failed me in anything in the past and it wouldn't make sense that He would start now. I love Him and have comitted my life to Him, and that includes the times when I don't understand and I can't see.
Monday, June 13, 2005
Saturday, June 11, 2005
Leslie is home for the next couple of weeks. She will be graduating from the Honor Academy in August. I will try to be there for her as much as I can. I hope she will do better than I did when coming out. At least she will have me. I had no one! I remember what a terrible time it was trying to adjust back to this kind of life. I would go out driving and just weep and cry. It was like being in a bad dream and not be able to stop it. I was so lonely and lost. Sometimes I think I still haven't recovered. But, God is here too and I've probably learned harder lessons than I could have if I had stayed on in the H.A. It is harder to serve God in the middle of nothing. It is most difficult to trust him when nothing seems to be happening.
If I could just see for a minute I would be grateful! If I could just understand! Maybe God is trying to teach me to trust him anyway. You know what I hope? I hope that when Leslie comes home she will be a friend to me, and not just me to her. God only knows how I am desperate for a real friend! I desperatly need a friend to hold me accountable and encourage me when I am overwhelmed by hopelessness and lies.
Sunday, June 05, 2005
I'm Back!
For the past month I have been just worshipping my face off at a church that really waits on the Lord during the song service. I really prayed this morning before going that God would give me grace and anoint me. During the third song -it was a really worshipful breakthrough song- I looked around at the people, which as a wordhip leader you have to know where the people are at as well as worship for yourself, and most were just standing there and some were yawning. People were not really entering into worship. I think the Lord must have, at that moment, showed me what his heart felt like because I suddenly felt so sad and grieved in my spirit that people were not truly worshipping the Lord. How hurt God must have felt. If we only knew the cost of worship, the cost that he paid for us - we would not be able to hold ourselves back. At that, I almost dropped my mic and walked off the stage. It was all I could do to keep singing. I just wanted to weep. When the song ended, I couldn't just let it go, so I began worshipping from my heart crying out to God. What I was doing was stirring up my spirit and the spirist of those who came this morning. I couldn't even contain myself, it just came pouring out.
I walked off the stage when worship was over still feeling that grief- what I think was the Father's heart. I thought to myself: It is a waste of time, of my time, to come and sing but not enter into his presence. This feeling stayed with me through almost the whole service. After the service two people came up to me and said they were ministered to so much. That it touched their hearts and stirred their hunger for that presence of God. I am so glad they told me that! I told the Lord, when I was 13, that I wanted to be a "sparkplug" for him - to spark a hunger and desire for God in the hearts of others. That is still my prayer and also my calling.