From Glutton for Punishment to Magnet for Grace

Glutton for Punishment

Wednesday

12:30pm: I have a sick, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. What have I done? Why am I taking this class? I’ve never had a chemistry class in my life, and now I’m expected to keep up with this pace when I don’t even understand the simple terms. This is how I felt that time I failed math class.

3pm: I have a great professor. I just wish I knew what she was talking about! Today is a group project. I write down whatever answers my group members are magically coming up with. I just read the chapter a few hours ago! I’m feeling sicker. My brain is starting to disconnect, to escape. I struggle to stay in the classroom. I could learn this if I worked really, really hard. I know myself too well. I need brand new concepts repeated a couple of times. I don’t have time to fail this class and take it again.

Thursday

6:30am: I’ve had such a wonderful sleep! I roll over under my heavy leopard print comforter. Chemistry. My eyes open and I groan. Chemistry is still here. I listen to the sounds of my brother just getting up for work, and begin wondering what I’m going to do about this problem I have.

7am: I decide to get up. I really want to talk to my mom about this before she leaves for work. I watch her eat (I only have the stomach for tea) and she listens to me. It feels good just to talk about it with someone.

7:20am: We stretch out in the living room. She heads for the shower and I head downstairs to run on the treadmill, still thinking. Back and forth. What can I do? Why do I get myself in this trouble? I know that this is over my head and I need to get out while I can. But, I’ll be a wimp if I quit! Then I remember about trusting God completely. I talk to Him, and give it to Him, and begin to cry. It’s really hard to cry and run at the same time, so I quit crying and finish running.

7:45am: I am stretching out my warm muscles when mom yells to me, “Maybe you should be trusting God like you were telling me.” (read “A New Year’s Resolution” post ) Yup.

8:30 am: I’ve showered and dressed. I am alone. Just me and God, our morning quiet time. I grapple with fear and trust. Why am I so afraid? Because I realize that this could mean another delay. All my carefully laid plans! I am applying in two weeks for the School of Ed. A failed or dropped class at this point could potentially set me back an entire year because of deadlines. I can see everything unraveling. God has me where He wants me.
I realize: This season in my life is God’s best for me right now, and if He chooses another delay for me, I must submit to Him. His plan is far above my plan. I can’t see the road ahead, the turns, the detours, the roughness or smoothness of it, but He can. I must trust Him because I am essentially blind. I will do what Hebrews 12:7 says and endure this hardship as discipline.

11:30 am: I find myself in an available advisor’s office with the ESP program. I need to know my options, hopefully before my 1pm chem lab. She listens to me, looks things over and then announces, “I don’t think you even need this class!” We make phone calls. Several phone calls. It is confirmed that I do not need the class at all. My degree analysis made it look like I did because of the way some things transferred. I drop the class just before 1pm.

1:15pm: I head to professor White’s office. I am praying for God’s favor and grace. I want to pick up his class, my English capstone, in place of the chemistry. I am past the deadline for adding a class, and his class is closed (full). If I take it in the spring, I will receive no financial aid because it is the only class I have to take and I would not be full time. If I take it during my teacher assisting, there is a possibility I will go insane. I don’t want to go insane. He will not be in ‘till 4:30.

1:30pm: I spend a little time in the computer lab.

4:30pm: I present my case, humbly, before this tall, distinguished gentleman. He is reluctant. I knew he would be. My chances are very slim. Even if he agrees, I need the Dean’s approval. He questions me, looks at my degree analysis, asks more questions and then says, “Ok”. I am floored! I breathe out my thanks to God as he gets the necessary paper work. He is saving me $800 and possible insanity. Class starts at 6pm 161 LHH.

5pm: I run across campus to the lab to type my letter to the Dean. The Dean’s office is closed. I will have to cancel my hair appt. tomorrow to bring it.

6pm: I can’t believe I’m sitting in this class! I tell Prof. White that I wrote my letter to the Dean. He has emailed her already and tells me there should be no problem with her approving.

Tuesday

11:30am: Stop by the Dean’s office and my approval is final! Go directly to records and add the class and pay the late fee. A little matter with finances comes up, so I have to go across to the financial office and straighten it out. It’s all settled. I smile.

A Magnet for Grace