Mon Cherea
Saturday was Cherea's wedding. It was simple, but very nice. Everything flowed smoothly and quickly which I was very happy about. It was extremely hot though! The reception hall had no A/C, my car has no A/C, and our dresses were hot and tight (making it difficult to breathe). By the time I got to the reception I felt like I was going to pass out. I downed as many cold glasses of punch as I could. Cherea was a beautiful bride and I am so happy for her. It will probably be a long time until I see her again since she has left for her new home in S. Dakota.

Angie's Shower
Planning is going well for my soon-to-be sister-in-law's bridal shower. I love planning party's with my cousin! We sent the invites out. We are doing a calender party, where each guest gets a month and brings a gift that she could use in that month. We tried to be clear in the wording, but I've already heard some confusion from people. A couple of people thought that they are to bring a gift to Ang in that month of the year. I quickly set them straight and prayed the others will get it. I'm really hoping people will be creative and make it fun.

Worship
Starting next Sunday night I will be the sole worship leader for the evening service. Barak is going to head up the evangelism team which will meet on Sunday nights. I'm excited for him because I know evangelism is really his heart. I think it will be so refreshing for him to do something different. He will be meeting with Christian, Jaime, and Anthony to work on music since they are a little unfamiliar with some of the songs.

I am so glad I have Christian! He saved my life last October when Barak was in the Bahamas for three weeks. He is a good guitar player, young enough to learn and grow, but he has his own band and does shows, so he is also experienced enough to lead the band. Jamie plays the bass and he can step in if Lori is gone or helping Barak. Anthony has only played with us a few times. He plays the electric guitar which we like in many of our songs. Both Jamie and Anthony have played (or still play) in the youth band.

I will propbably meet with them too. I want them to feel comfortable working with me as well as me working with them. I want to get to know them a little better and let them get to know me. I want them to be comfortable with my leadership. I think that would be so much easier if we are working together before hand. I'm really hoping this will be a smooth transition. I also want Barak to feel like I am taking on the responsibility of Sunday nights. I want to take the weight off his shoulders so he can focus on evangelism. He will have to invest a little time in us to get us off the ground, but he has proved to me that he is amazing at that (I am proof of that!).

I have had a revelation today! This evening, at the end of the service, we were all praying up front and I prayed quietly to the Lord, " Lord, strip away everything that is not of you." I have prayed this prayer many times before. Suddenly, the Holy Spirit revealed to me that this is what the Lord has been trying to do in me. I have been fighting the Lord on it and becoming angry and bitter at him for taking certain things, or not allowing me to have certain desires in my heart. Yet, I have asked him to do this very thing. He, like the loving Father that he is, is trying to do this work in me because I have asked him to, and because he wants to make me into a better person, into the woman he has created me to be! I confessed this fault, this sin, in my heart and immediately felt cleaner and lighter in my heart which confirmed that I had truly heard the right thing from the Lord! I praise God for this so much because this is the vision I needed. I NOW see and understand! Praise God!

Last night was my friend Cherea's bachelorette party. I forgot about it completely and was somewhere else when her sister Leslie called demanding to know where I was at. I was so embarrassed! The 17th just crept up on me. This was also my first week back to full time, so maybe that had something to do with it too. The party was fun! We did a scavenger hunt. I had to serenade some poor guy working at fazoli's, so I made sure to sing loud enough to embarrass him! As I was leaving I heard someone say "awww". They must have thought I was a singing telegram or something. We also had to do a chinese firedrill, which I had never done before, but was fun! We would have won, but we passed the road back to Julie's house and our opponents, who were right behind us, didn't.

Leslie and I were able to have a relly good talk last night. I was always closer to her older sister Penni, but Leslie and I have shared some of the same experiences which give us a kind of common ground. Besides, she is now part of my TM family having graduated from the Honor Academy. It was so good to be able to talk to Leslie because we could laugh about the same things, complain about the same things, and encourage each other. I really hope I can be there for her so she can have a better experience coming home than I did. It is complete culture shock and extremely difficult to deal with even though the leadership prepares you for it. It is sort of like a death inside. It is interesting because Leslie is explaining to me how she is feeling leaving all her friends she's become so close to, coming back to a dead, dry place in comparison with the Teen Mania world ( sort of like a still pond in comparison with a rushing river), and I can remember exactly what that felt like. I don't feel it anymore because I've moved on and made new friends and grown new roots, but I remember it clearly all the same.

She talked about how difficult it is to watch Cherea get married and sing in her wedding when she has no one and is coming back to a place where there is no one. I said "welcome home". I feel a bit the same aobut my little brother getting married. He is getting to experience all the things that I hope for and as the oldest thought I should experience first: His own house, marriage, a cute puppy! Instead I am still at home, trying to finish college. I know what I'm doing is wise because it is setting myself up for success, but somedays it feels like "success" will never come. That I am doing it all in vain. I admitted to Leslie that I have practically given up even hoping for these wonderful things because all I have ever known is disappointment.

Then I mentioned that maybe it isn't really worth hoping and waiting for. Maybe we're making it into such a big thing and its not really worth it. Maybe it would be better to have adventure, to travel to other countries, to preach the gospel and die in a blaze of glory. Then, I felt the still, small voice of the Lord reminding me that to obey Him is better than sacrificing my life for Him. It is better for me to still myself before Him, to submit to His ways than try to make something exciting happen in my life. To brush aside all the lies of the enemy, I must speak the truth that God's ways are higher than mine and He does care for me. I HAVE to trust Him because He's the only one of us that can see. I have to blindly trust him in this season of my life. If that isn't adventure, I don't know what is! He has never failed me in anything in the past and it wouldn't make sense that He would start now. I love Him and have comitted my life to Him, and that includes the times when I don't understand and I can't see.

Today was the first day of my summer schedule. Mary had swim lessons at Sam's house. I sat in the shade with the other parents and sitters. I wasn't going to stay since we live just down the road, but I didn't feel like dealing with the construction any more than I had to. On our way to Sam's I didn't realize that during the morning they had completely torn up half of the road, that is until I pulled out into my lane and realized, while thumping over the drop-off, that it was no longer there. I drove along on the gravel that the machines had left behind, until I worked up the nerve to drive back up onto the pavement! I wasn't feeling very well today. We have decided to do our own "reality show" using my video camera. The girls are very excited about it. If I can figure out how to post video, I'll do it.

Well, its another sunny day here in Michigan. We are having a heat wave which is quite unusual for June. Yesterday was Katie and Mary's last day of school. We went to Mcdonalds for lunch and then to my brother's house to see his puppy Molly. We made ice cream sundaes while we were there and then headed home to rest while watching a movie. Katie and Mary have been performing their dance this weekend. I'm going to the 7pm show tonight. This afternoon is my friend Cherea's bridal shower. She will be getting married in a couple of weeks and then moving to S. Dakota.

Leslie is home for the next couple of weeks. She will be graduating from the Honor Academy in August. I will try to be there for her as much as I can. I hope she will do better than I did when coming out. At least she will have me. I had no one! I remember what a terrible time it was trying to adjust back to this kind of life. I would go out driving and just weep and cry. It was like being in a bad dream and not be able to stop it. I was so lonely and lost. Sometimes I think I still haven't recovered. But, God is here too and I've probably learned harder lessons than I could have if I had stayed on in the H.A. It is harder to serve God in the middle of nothing. It is most difficult to trust him when nothing seems to be happening.

If I could just see for a minute I would be grateful! If I could just understand! Maybe God is trying to teach me to trust him anyway. You know what I hope? I hope that when Leslie comes home she will be a friend to me, and not just me to her. God only knows how I am desperate for a real friend! I desperatly need a friend to hold me accountable and encourage me when I am overwhelmed by hopelessness and lies.

I'm Back!

It was hard getting up a little earlier for service this morning! For the last month I've gone to an 11:00 service. It was nice to see everyone again. Yes, I'm back at Oak-Crest. I led the worship this morning and it was a much different experience than I was expecting.

For the past month I have been just worshipping my face off at a church that really waits on the Lord during the song service. I really prayed this morning before going that God would give me grace and anoint me. During the third song -it was a really worshipful breakthrough song- I looked around at the people, which as a wordhip leader you have to know where the people are at as well as worship for yourself, and most were just standing there and some were yawning. People were not really entering into worship. I think the Lord must have, at that moment, showed me what his heart felt like because I suddenly felt so sad and grieved in my spirit that people were not truly worshipping the Lord. How hurt God must have felt. If we only knew the cost of worship, the cost that he paid for us - we would not be able to hold ourselves back. At that, I almost dropped my mic and walked off the stage. It was all I could do to keep singing. I just wanted to weep. When the song ended, I couldn't just let it go, so I began worshipping from my heart crying out to God. What I was doing was stirring up my spirit and the spirist of those who came this morning. I couldn't even contain myself, it just came pouring out.

I walked off the stage when worship was over still feeling that grief- what I think was the Father's heart. I thought to myself: It is a waste of time, of my time, to come and sing but not enter into his presence. This feeling stayed with me through almost the whole service. After the service two people came up to me and said they were ministered to so much. That it touched their hearts and stirred their hunger for that presence of God. I am so glad they told me that! I told the Lord, when I was 13, that I wanted to be a "sparkplug" for him - to spark a hunger and desire for God in the hearts of others. That is still my prayer and also my calling.