I am tired of being disappointed. No more, please stop. There is nothing I hate more in life than disappointment. My only defense is to not care, to not expect anything.
Everything I do seems pointless, leading to only God knows where. Nothing seems to work or help. One step forward, two steps back. All seems futile and meaningless.
I am being exsanguinated of hope: A long, slow blood-letting of the soul. I am almost empty, I feel the life ebbing from me. (someone please, please help me)
On independance day, I am still not free. Oh the irony.
DISCLAIMER: I realize this is only my perception, my state of being. Maybe even my season in life. A season of faith shaking. I was asked to trust, I have abandoned that effort for the present although I hope to work my way back into it, which will probably turn out to be a disappointing effort. It would probably be more advantageous to give up on any self-effort and...well...trust God to do it. I guess I am angry at losing what (I think) is so important to me. I could use your prayers in this. I so very rarely get the luxury to be weak and needy. I am always required to be "strong" and "spiritual" and, simply put, I am tired of that. I want to be a real human being.
5 comments:
I too will pray for you & ask you to do the same for me. I'm in the very same place. I don't have any advice but I hurt with you. I will pray.
Steph,
Seems like I go through tough times & then just "snap out of it" somehow. I pray the same happens to you....soon :)
What's with all the frustration around lately?! I got so frustrated yesterday, I said a "naughty word" and then just took off for most of the afternoon by myself to clear my head.
God help us all!!
Jeff that is interesting. I was talking to my mom about what I am feeling and she told me that she was just feeling like nothing happens when she prays, so why bother! That is really the time to pray MORE, but it is a very discouraging place to be.
It is so good to know that we all face these things and can encourage one another and pray for one another! Best of all, there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus! :)
I encourage you in the Name of Jesus! It sounds like most of us deal with this from time to time. One of my most favorite phrases in the Bible is "girdle up thy loins", meaning to me - "suck it up". You know, reach way down inside and pull yourself together. To ignore yourself and to live for Him, even when it hurts. In sports, that was a successful way to challenge and motivate people who were about to fail or give up. God said this to Job a couple of times when he finally broke down and questioned what God was allowing. Elisha said this to Gehazi in 2KINGS when dealing with the Shunamite woman's child and in chapter 9 to the children of the prophets. The Lord also used this phrase to encourage Jeremiah when he was to address the kings of Judah in the first 2 books of JEREMIAH. And he didn't even know what to say or how to say it. In 1KINGS 18, God performed this to Elijah when he beat Ahab's chariot back to Jezreel! What I'm trying to say is being down is okay, as long as we don't stay there. Sometimes we might need His love, sometimes we may need some chocolate, sometimes we may need some laughter, and sometimes we may need to... "suck it up"!
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For those who enjoy digging, here is some lexicon writings:
Definition: to girdle (thy loins)
1.to remove, draw out, draw off, take off, withdraw, equip (for war), arm for war, rescue, be rescued
a.(Qal) equipped (participle)
b.(Niphal)
1.to be equipped
2.to go equipped
3.to be armed
c.(Hiphil)
1.to make strong, brace up
2.to invigorate
2.to draw off or out, withdraw
a.(Qal)
1.to draw, draw off
2.to withdraw
b.(Niphal)
1.to be delivered
2.to be saved
c.(Piel)
1.to pull out, tear out
2.to rescue,deliver,set free
3.to take away, plunder
I love you Stephenie.
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