Normally I never make any New Year’s resolutions because New Year’s resolutions are extremely difficult to follow through on. This is because I, as well as others, become extremely idealistic when making resolutions. We cannot possibly meet the demands that we place upon ourselves in that moment of wild idealism. It is much better, therefore, to not make any resolutions and be happy with the way one is. Better yet, we should always be continually working on ourselves and making changes for the better. True change happens slowly, after all. Ideally New Year’s should be a time to reflect on our lives: What have we done? Where are we going? What are our goals? Have our decisions been wise? Most of us don’t even do this because we basically live in the moment.
This year, however, God has asked me for something. I think, in fact, He has been asking for some time now. I have, I believe at times, given Him what He is asking for, only to take it back in a rush of panic. This revelation came about while I was pondering some of the “kinks” in my life. Suddenly, the thought flashed through my mind: What if I completely trusted God this year? It was such a stunning thought that my breath caught sharply and for a moment I couldn’t do anything. I felt a mixed feeling of relief at the thought of complete abandonment, and also paralyzing fear of losing myself. Isn’t that what the Christian life is about though? Losing one’s self.
This is such a difficult thing because it means giving up my life for Him. My hopes, my dreams, what happens to me, the direction that my life takes: The very essence of my being. What if I let go of all of this and trusted Him? What if I let Him do it? What if I let Him take me wherever He wants? I don’t know what will happen. I would have to trust His heart. I guess the fear comes from not really knowing His heart. (The Bible says that He has good plans for me, not evil plans (Jer.29:11). ) So, part of trusting Him will be to know Him better.
I must confess that all my efforts to get myself where I want to be have failed miserably. I have been disappointed again and again. Giving up and trusting Him can’t be any worse!
I have been pondering these thoughts for the past couple of days. While in the shower this morning (where some of my best revelations have come), I realized something else. God compares us to sheep. Sheep are sort of dumb. They are also followers. When one sheep panics and stats to run, the other sheep will do the same even if they don’t know what is going on. This is what I am doing. Society tells me what I should be doing, and what I should have, and the kind of person that I should be. (Hmmm, I’m not quite all those things). Other people panic for me, or start causing me to panic: Why aren’t you married? Aren’t you even seeing someone? What, you’re still in college? What are you going to do with your life? Hounding me until I want to throw up my hands and scream “I don’t know!”
I was then reminded of Psalms 23 which begins with:
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want .
I listen to the still small voice of my Shepherd. I have to tune out all of the panicked voices (including my own), and stop caring about what everyone else thinks of me and what I am doing, or what I think I am lacking. It also says:
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
When I can’t see and I don’t understand, He is with me. This shadow of death could very well be the death of my flesh which is so painful and scary. Even in that pain and loss (yes I will lose some things that I am holding very close), He is my comfort, my portion. It also says:
You prepare a table before me…
I think that this is God’s blessing even in the midst of the trial as I trust and obey Him. Amazingly, my study Bible had a symbol next to this passage which marked it as a display of God’s love relationship to us. I laughed through my tears! He gently shows me that He is holding my heart. He wants to write the story of my life if I will just give Him the pen.
So, will I trust Him completely this year? I want to. Desperately. I will probably need the accountability of my wonderful friends (you). I love adventure. I guess it doesn’t get more adventurous than this!
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2 comments:
You've been peeking at my prayer life! Last night & this morning I've found myself asking Jesus to be Lord of my mind, Lord of my emotions, Lord of my life. Today I read your post and I think the Lord is telling me: If you really want me to be Lord of your mind, emotions, and life, trust Me completely. Well, of course, shortly later today came a TEST. I pretty much had today and tomorrow planned, but they changed (not by my will). I have a tendency to get realllly attached to my plans and not want to give them up. But, after whining and pouting, I decided to trust Him, follow Him, asking Him to work on my attitude and help me to enjoy my weekend anyway --- and I am. My prayer remains the same & I want to know Him better & trust Him completely too. Here's to adventure!!!! P.S. Thanks for the encouraging and inspiring posts. It's good to know I'm not alone - others go through the same struggles that I do.
Absolutely. Well written. Trusting God is one of the scariest things a person can do. I was scared spitless trying to trust God when we told me to come to Mali. There were so many impossibilities. And yet, God came through. The scariest part of it all was the first night in Africa, when I had just arrived in South Africa for my training. I didn't know a soul. I was all alone. That was my critical point. I chose to trust Him, cause I didn't have any other options. And He came through for me. He took care of it all. I'll never forget that night, and I'll never forget how he provided.
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