A New Year's Resolution

Normally I never make any New Year’s resolutions because New Year’s resolutions are extremely difficult to follow through on. This is because I, as well as others, become extremely idealistic when making resolutions. We cannot possibly meet the demands that we place upon ourselves in that moment of wild idealism. It is much better, therefore, to not make any resolutions and be happy with the way one is. Better yet, we should always be continually working on ourselves and making changes for the better. True change happens slowly, after all. Ideally New Year’s should be a time to reflect on our lives: What have we done? Where are we going? What are our goals? Have our decisions been wise? Most of us don’t even do this because we basically live in the moment.

This year, however, God has asked me for something. I think, in fact, He has been asking for some time now. I have, I believe at times, given Him what He is asking for, only to take it back in a rush of panic. This revelation came about while I was pondering some of the “kinks” in my life. Suddenly, the thought flashed through my mind: What if I completely trusted God this year? It was such a stunning thought that my breath caught sharply and for a moment I couldn’t do anything. I felt a mixed feeling of relief at the thought of complete abandonment, and also paralyzing fear of losing myself. Isn’t that what the Christian life is about though? Losing one’s self.

This is such a difficult thing because it means giving up my life for Him. My hopes, my dreams, what happens to me, the direction that my life takes: The very essence of my being. What if I let go of all of this and trusted Him? What if I let Him do it? What if I let Him take me wherever He wants? I don’t know what will happen. I would have to trust His heart. I guess the fear comes from not really knowing His heart. (The Bible says that He has good plans for me, not evil plans (Jer.29:11). ) So, part of trusting Him will be to know Him better.

I must confess that all my efforts to get myself where I want to be have failed miserably. I have been disappointed again and again. Giving up and trusting Him can’t be any worse!

I have been pondering these thoughts for the past couple of days. While in the shower this morning (where some of my best revelations have come), I realized something else. God compares us to sheep. Sheep are sort of dumb. They are also followers. When one sheep panics and stats to run, the other sheep will do the same even if they don’t know what is going on. This is what I am doing. Society tells me what I should be doing, and what I should have, and the kind of person that I should be. (Hmmm, I’m not quite all those things). Other people panic for me, or start causing me to panic: Why aren’t you married? Aren’t you even seeing someone? What, you’re still in college? What are you going to do with your life? Hounding me until I want to throw up my hands and scream “I don’t know!”

I was then reminded of Psalms 23 which begins with:

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want .

I listen to the still small voice of my Shepherd. I have to tune out all of the panicked voices (including my own), and stop caring about what everyone else thinks of me and what I am doing, or what I think I am lacking. It also says:

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

When I can’t see and I don’t understand, He is with me. This shadow of death could very well be the death of my flesh which is so painful and scary. Even in that pain and loss (yes I will lose some things that I am holding very close), He is my comfort, my portion. It also says:

You prepare a table before me…

I think that this is God’s blessing even in the midst of the trial as I trust and obey Him. Amazingly, my study Bible had a symbol next to this passage which marked it as a display of God’s love relationship to us. I laughed through my tears! He gently shows me that He is holding my heart. He wants to write the story of my life if I will just give Him the pen.

So, will I trust Him completely this year? I want to. Desperately. I will probably need the accountability of my wonderful friends (you). I love adventure. I guess it doesn’t get more adventurous than this!

The Santa Charade

I love Christmas and all of the trimmings. Christmas is probably my favorite holiday. Not to mention it’s my birthday too! People have often wondered if I like having my birthday on Christmas. If the truth be told, I have always felt really special that I’m a Christmas baby. I get more presents than anyone else, and I get a whole two weeks off for my birthday. I always felt bad for those kids that had to go to school on their birthdays. So yes, I like having my birthday on Christmas.

There is only one thing about Christmas that disturbs me and that is the tradition of convincing one’s child that Santa Clause is real. This makes no sense to me, and is rather appalling. For one thing, a child is lied to by the people whom they are supposed to be able to trust for the truth. The betrayal in a child’s eyes when they find out they have been extravagantly deceived should be enough to end the practice. Not to mention the uncertainty leading up to the final disappointment. What else have mom and dad lied about?

Another very disturbing thing about Santa is his God-like qualities. Here is a man who can see you when you’re sleeping, knows everything about you, and can grant you the desires of your heart if you will just ask him. Doesn’t this sound a lot like God? Instead children are asked to believe in the mythical Santa. Soon they find out mom and dad lied, but are still asked to believe in a God with those same qualities, even going to church every week to pray and sing to him. Could it seem like another elaborate charade to them – maybe even subconsciously? I say it’s a little too close.

Now, this doesn’t mean that the magic of Christmas will disappear if a child doesn’t believe in Santa. I never believed in Santa. My family would refer to Santa as he is: A mythical character started in the memory of St. Nicholas. We enjoyed the magical idea of Santa while also being grounded in the truth of Christ’s birth. So let’s focus on the true meaning and magic of Christmas, Christ our Savior born to die for the sins of mankind. Let’s see more manger scenes!

Here is a little Holiday craziness: Crazy Christmas Display. Watch and be amazed!

What If I...

Late at night awake in the dark
Looking out of my window down at the park,
The shadows so shifty stole sleep from my eyes
With their slinking charade of “What if I” lies.

What if I can’t learn to snowboard?
What if I break my leg?

What if I can’t find a job after school?
What if I only can beg?

What if I lose my way in life?
What if I never arrive?

What if I never become a wife?
What if I live like I’m five?

What if I forget my homework?
What if I fail every class?

What if I go completely berserk?
What if I shatter like glass?

All of these “What ifs” tormenting my mind
Make life seem like it will end.
Then I remember, all snug in my bed,
That I have a very good friend.

He promised He’d be here, He won’t ever leave.
He loves me, He made me, He knows what I need.
I smile and breathe and close my eyes
As the trifling “What ifs” say their goodbyes.