The Weight of Worship

Barak is leaving tomorrow for the Bahamas. This means, for those of you who don't know, that I will be leading worship by myself for the next three weeks. I know I co-lead with him every Sunday morning and lead by myself every Sunday evening, but his being gone means the entire weight is on my shoulders. This means sound and vocals, the entire band (including tempo, turn-arounds, and solos, and leading the band in the direction I want to go.), the choir (this includes vocal checks and harmony parts), and picking out all the songs for both services (and making sure Christian knows them since he is my main guitarist). Most importantly this means the sole weight of leading nearly 300 people into the presence of God. Barak called today to give me some last minute suggestions and encouragement.

Christian: I need to pick out songs with Christian. Musically the weight is on him. He needs to be confident and I need to be confident that he can carry the weight of the song (musically). If he wants to work with Jamie on the songs so Jamie can play the bass that's fine. However, I either need a bass player that can do it well, or not have a bass at all. I will miss not having a bass. I can really tell when it's missing, but because we have a full band it should cover it up. I just hope it doesn't throw me off too much! And Christian has promised to be there every week! Do I dare believe it?

Jeff: I must remember that Jeff is in charge of all the little details and band stuff. That will free me up to do what I do: Lead worship. I'm not a musician. I can lead the band only to a certain point. This actually really frusterates me. It is probably the most frusterating part of leading for me. I feel completely helpless at times. Hey, that's what Jeff's for. Remember?

Sound Checks: I need to work with my sound guy and have him nod to me when he is hearing what he needs to hear and is happy with what he's got.

A.M. : I'll do one song for pre-worship, let everyone say hi and do the same song, then do another three. Someone should do a special for the offering.

P.M. : It will be totally different from the A.M. . Just an acoustic set with Christian, percussion, and trombones.

The Anointing: Honestly, I am nothing without God's anointing. All that I have is nothing unless God anoints it. I need His anointing. I pray that he will give me a fresh anointing and cause me to lead His people into His prescence. When it is all said and done that is the only thing that matters.

Rocky (Alias: The Hawaiian Nightmare) fought last night at the L.C. Walker Arena aginst Kia Daniels from Louisville. Rocky won the fight by K.O. in the 3rd round! I grew up with Rocky so I was very proud of him.

Katya

Would you like to hear something amazing? Well, its amazing to me. God amazes me! All my life He has brought along my path friends, or children who are orphaned or from another country. Most of the time He combines the two. Here is a little background for those of you who are not familiar with this "God phenomenon" in my life:

Summer (12 yrs): When I was 12 my family went to two summer church camps. At the first camp I saw a mexican girl who to this day I swear was glowing. I was praying for a friend at the camp, and I saw her in the bathroom. It must have been God because to me she was glowing and had a really sweet smell. (I know it sounds strange, but I think that God was just illuminating her to me. ) I told my mom, "That girl is going to be my friend". The next time I saw her, I followed her and introduced myself. She was from Mexico and was in foster care along with her brothers and sisters. That same summer, at the other camp, another family moved in behind us and I made friends with the girl there. She was also in foster care with her two brothers.

Nannying (the last 5 years): I was asked to nanny for a family going on a cruise. Their little two year old had just been adopted from Haiti. I was around for the adoption of the biological brother and another girl. I worked at a school wehere many children had been adopted from other counties like China and Russia.

Travel: I have been blessed to travel quite a bit to other counties including India, Mexico, and The Bahamas. In these countries I have gotten to visit orphanages, or work with children.

Katya: I said all that to show you the significance of this event. It is very simple, and yet it reminds me of how God is truly directing my life. I think He has done this on purpose just to remind me:).

In my writing class we have been paired as pen pals with some 5th graders from an elementary class in the state. My prof. paired us up. The students made little books out of construction paper and lined paper, decorated them, and wrote the first letter. I received my book and took note of the name on the front: Katya. I thought the name sounded very different. She started her letter to me with, "Dear Mystery person,". She went on to tell me that she came here with her family from Russia! I laughed incredulously to myself. Yes, I would get the little girl from Russia. God would make sure I got the little girl from Russia.

Isn't that amazing?!

Bad Words

I have a five year old conscience and her name is Mary. In Mary's world everything is either black or white. There are no grey areas. One area that is especially black and white for her, is grey for me: Bad words. She has been taught that certain words are bad and should not be said. I, on the other hand, say these words without thinking and find myself reprimanded. Here are the words I trespass on the most (You can be the judge):

Stupid: This is one of the worst words you can say. It is a five year old's swear word. I will often hear, "Awww, Miss Stephenie, you said a bad word!" Mary often feels the need to tell me when someone else says this word, "He said, STU...(big eyes, head nodding)...P...ID." She caught this word being sung in a song one day and was appalled. You can imagine the shock when reading a children's book with that word in it.

Hate: This is another very bad word. You should not say this...ever. I use this word when I am very upset about something (like math, or road construction). I have caught myself on the verge of using this word vehemently many times around Mary. I'll never forget the shock on her face when I declared one day that I hated something and she said, "Miss Stephenie, you shouldn't say that word." She's right. I try to be less hateful about things. Five year old's don't understand generalizations.

Shut up: This is a terrible thing to say to someone. Just the other day one of Mary's friends told this to someone at school. She came home and of course had to tell me about it, "He said, SH...Uh...T Uh...P" It's amazing how sounding it out isn't as bad as actually saying it.

It is so hard to explain to a five year old conscience why we use these "bad" words.

I picked Katie up from school (6th grade) yesterday. Budget cuts have eliminated buses for middle school and high school until the winter. She seems to really like being a sixth grader although she said she got a bit trampled in the hall. She carries a backpack, a gym bag, and her violin case and when she dropped one and bent to pick it up, people were stepping on her skirt. I guess it felt like she was being trampled. Katie helped me out on my math homework yesterday and figured out the problem (well, part of it). I felt pretty small, but later, working on it at home, I figured out the second problem and then was able to make a rule for both of them. I guess I'm not that dumb in math.

It's so easy to want to be selfish when you're with kids. Mary got off the bus at around 3:30 yesterday. She's in first grade so she's staying a long day. I started her on her homework and then was going to check my email. Just as I was getting on line Katie says, "I'm going to call Carolyn." So, I got off line. I got back on when Katie was finished and had to wait because the computer is slow. By the time things were coming up, Katie had to call Carolyn again. So I again got off line and finished helping Mary on her homework hoping I could check it a little later.

Mary was now done with her homework and begged me to go downstairs and watch cartoons with her. I was extremely annoyed at this request, but I said, "Sure" in a very dead tone. We were watching "Fairy Oddparents" when she looked at me cuddled under the blanket, got a big giddy smile on her face, and snuggled up next to me. She looked at me with eyes filled with such love, trust, and admiration. I felt ashamed of myself for being so annoyed at her simple request to spend time with her. Its easy to want to be selfish.

Kids definitely force the selfishness right out of you. I never did get to check my email.

Yesterday was a really frusterating day for me. I just felt frusterated and then on top of it all they were repaving Ruddiman. I took the detour only to be told to turn around and come back the other way because there was only one lane of traffic. I went all the way around and weaved my way into the back roads only to discover that there was no outlet onto Ruddiman. All the side roads were completely closed off with at least two or three of those gate signs they put up. I was so infuriated! I finally stopped my car on the usual road I use to get back onto Ruddiman, got out of my car, walked into the rode waving to the lady constuction worker and asked her how in the world I was supposed to get onto Ruddiman so I could get to my street! There was a man behind me who also stopped his car and followed me onto the road. He said he'd been taking this road all week.

The lady was very compassionate and told us to drive around the signs ("maybe up on that person's grass"). Well, the guy just grabbed ahold of one of the signs and dragged it to the side so we could get by. When I got to the house the girls were not there yet. They were with Mary's godmother. Awhile later I got a call from her saying she was being turned away at the bridge and had to come back the way I did. I gave her directions and told her to try to do what I did. Well, about 10 or 15 minutes later she called and said they weren't letting anyone through and that she had broken her muffler trying to get through another way. I hopped on Maria's bike and rode down the street to the tennis courts to meet them. There is a narrow paved path (just wide enough for one car) that connects our neighborhood to the other one. Cars were using this to get into our neighborhood since the Ruddiman access to it was blocked. There are two places where a cement cylinder sticks up out of the ground. A pipe usually goes in there and then chains are linked across to only allow bikes through. Mary's godmother had tried to go up but the pipe underneath her car caught on it and broke. Tons of others cars were doing this without any problem.

I called Ken at the office to let him know what happened and if I should still take Mary to dance. He parked his car just outside the tennis courts and walked home. I took Mary to dance and parked there on the way home (I didn't want to take a chance.), and we walked back to the house pretending we lived in another country where we just walked everywhere because we didn't have a car (There's my experiences in India coming in handy!).

I don't have much homework this weekend. I'm so glad. Just reading and a little more researching for my math project. I've started reading Sherlock Holmes again. I just love it so much! It makes me incredibly happy. I think it's because it reminds me of my childhood. My family used to listen to Sherlock Holmes dramatizations frome the 30's and 40's and they were my favorite. If you've never read or listened to Sherlock Holmes you should!

Leslie and I went out to Hoffmaster yesterday. She needed to get out and talk. I took her to one of my favorite spots where I go when I need to runaway for awhile. (The other day when I was there I say two fawns and a doe!). We talked and talked and talked until the light of day was gone. I told her not to worry because I know the trail really well. It was dark by the time we got up to leave. We got out to the main trail from the hidden little sand bowl we had been in, when suddenly we heard a loud rustling. We both froze and then relaxed as the sound receded into the surrounding trees. We must have startled a deer, which in turn startled us. You never know when some crazed animal will rush at you. As we left the clearing we were in, I realized just how dark it really was. I don't know what I was thinking. It was really, really dark! We didn't have a flashlight, so we got out our cell phones and the blue light guided us through the woods. Thank God for cell phones! I really don't know what we would have done. There are so many roots and turns in the path. We also talked really loudly to warn any animals that we were coming. The last thing I wanted to do was freak out another deer.

We were almost to the end of the trail and I was sort of thinking in my mind how much farther we had to go (it was almost like being blind even with our cell phones). I thought it was shorter, that we should be there already, and I suddenly lost my bearings. I wondered if we had followed a path that branched to the left (even though I logically knew it couldn't be). I felt the most fear in that moment that I've felt in a long time. It was thrilling! You really don't have to go to far to find adventure!

Leslie and I both agreed this experience brought back memories of ESOAL, a retreat we both did in Texas that was a lot like the navy SEALS. We spent some time wandering through the back 40 in the pitch black. ESOAL was one experience in my life where I could actually taste the fear.

My first week of school went really well. I think I'm going to have a good semester. There won't be too much homework besides projects, fieldwork, and reading. I may be driving out to Allendale five days a week with fieldwork. I was really bummed about that. Gas is expensive!

I saw my girls again this Thursday! Mary could hardly let go of me. They both missed me about as much as I missed them!

God is so good to me. Last night I had practice so I rushed home after my last class, wolfed down some food (almost giving myself indigestion) and sped to the church. Before we started practicing Barak started talking about how we cannot earn God's love, nor earn his punishment. We always think we somehow earn these things by our actions when in reality The Cross has done away with that. God chooses to be reckless with his mercy, but most of the time we insist on living under the law rather than under grace. (Romans, in the Bible, tells us how it works in chapters 6-8 very clearly.) I was listening very intently and almost in tears because of what has been going on in my mind and heart (I wrote a little of it in my last post). He said he has talked to so many people this last week who are struggling with this and just cannot seem to get the concept of God's reckless mercy. One person he mentioned without using their name, but it became aparant that he was talking about this friend of mine. God is so gracious to me to bring me peace and set me on the right path. My mind had been tormented by those thoughts. My prayer is that my friend will be able to recieve God's mercy and find healing. None of us are perfect but, "...the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death." (Romans 8:2) . We need to relax a little more in God's grace and mercy and not be so uptight. We have been given life after all! I would encourage you if you are struggling with sin, and guilt, and failure, which in all honesty we all struggle with, read Romans chapters 6-8 and see if God will lighten your load again!

"The Cross has spoken Mercy over me." (from "beautiful one" -By The Tree)